imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
