tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
