Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
