Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
