Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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