i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
