There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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