1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
