i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
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The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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