I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
