went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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