sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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