Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
