Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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