Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
