I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
