I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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