seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
