dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
