That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
