I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
