How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
