I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
