If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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