We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
