I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize