I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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