So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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