Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
