I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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