I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
