so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
