You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.