you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.