brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
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I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam