Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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