I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
