Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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