In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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