Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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