Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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