Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
