um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
