Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Found the puke drawer
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
