He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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