i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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