I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
