I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I will pee on everything he values.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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