Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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