my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
