I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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