I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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