He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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