Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
