I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
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i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize