Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
