remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
