What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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