I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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