i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
