and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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